What if

Today I came across a post from one of my favorite blogs. You can read it here. In it the blogger talks about how we often play the 'what if' game with ourselves. She uses examples like "what if the interviewer doesn't like me?" For me it tends to look like "what if someone in my family gets hurt while I'm here?" or "what if I don't recognize myself when I return from Bots and I don't like what I see" or "what if I don't integrate well enough and I fail at being a volunteer?"

So, Jessica then goes on to encourage us to change our 'what if' game into a positive experience. She says "this game is about knowing that we can do the work and that we can get to that place within ourselves and in the world that we never thought we’d see. this reverse kind of thinking acknowledges that we have the ability to grow, to develop, and to improve. its about creativity, experimenting, and playfulness.  "

I have been inspired this morning. I woke up to a beautiful day full of light sunshine and shade. I am actively practicing positivity. I am remembering what it means to love myself. I feel a lightness I have not felt in many many weeks. Throughout this journey I have made many goals and to do lists, but no matter how hard I try I keep falling off the bandwagon. We are told PC is the time to create good habits and transform aspects of yourself, but when I fail to practice yoga, or I give in consequentially to my massive sweet tooth, or I am in such a negative mood that I don't want to leave the house, I am hard on myself. I start losing faith in my ability to change what it feels like I've struggled with all my life. I become disappointed in myself for the time I'm wasting not completing my goals.

But what if I was compassionate to myself. What if I acknowledged the accomplishments I've achieved in the last 241 days. I have created my first daily routine since high school, if not ever. I have learned how to live entirely on my own and I cherish it. I feel infinitely more confident in whatever career choice I make in 2019. I have (mostly) worked through the part of me I never thought I needed to work through: my love of being in love. Large life changes have happened back home and I have not lost it. I have gone through the longest amount of time I have ever been away from home and my parents. I have been here 241 days and I still want to stay here 580 more days. Even on the worst days, I still want to stay.

So what if going forward I changed how I looked at my goals.

What if I practiced yoga today?
What if I practiced yoga every day?
What if I prioritized healthy eating?
What if I left my house every day?
What if I propagated positive thinking?
What if I took the time to have dance parties?
What if I practiced piano for 15 mins every day?
What if I made sure my voice was heard?
What if I gave myself room to process my emotions?
What if I said yes to new?
What if I held my head high and my shoulders back?
What if I walked and smiled with confidence?
What if I practiced compassion?
What if I voiced that I believe in myself?

The person I see when I ask myself those questions is the bright, smiling, blissful, being I cherish most. It is the woman I want my nieces and nephew to know, it is the woman I want my future partner to fall in love with, it is the friend my best friends deserve to have, it is me. Sometimes, I just lose sight of her.