Skinny Love

The night when you’re listening to the same Bon Iver song you’ve heard 100 times this year and it suddenly clicks. 

2015 was the first year of figuring out how the hell to do this on my own.

You ever notice how there seems to be a fairly sizable gap in age between teen romance movies and romantic comedies. Like a decade. According to Hollywood, you can apparently only fall madly and irrevocably in love around 16-17 or 28-35. I was trying to figure out why that was from a character level or a directors choice or even a ratings standpoint when it suddenly hit me. I’m living it. I am smack dab in the middle of this insanity that does not fit into the engaged at 22 and married by 24 landscape that my upper middle class midwest suburban fairytales taught me I one day could be destined for. I turn 24 in mere days and I am no where close to the “settling down” that I had always envisioned for myself. Instead I’m living alone in Botswana with most of my life decisions for the next two years in the control of the gov’t. I’m not dating or swiping right or going clubbing or falling asleep on the phone or planning romantic weekends or any of the other things that I envisioned myself doing at this age. The things that involve someone else.

I am alone. 

I live alone. I cook alone. I get a solid 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night. I choose what to do every moment of every day. I put myself first. I journal every night. I dream about all of the places I want to visit. I color pictures for my nieces and nephew. I play my new keyboard. I read books I’ve been putting off since I started college. I don’t wake up to silly texts or smile with delight from surprise visits at work. I don’t make myself sick with worry over my inability to win over the hearts of my lovers mothers. I don’t cook extra for my beau’s roommates. I don’t buy a bottle of merlot, light candles, and put on jazz to talk after a long week. I don’t plan extravagant presents or weekend road trips. I’m not worrying about someone else’s health or how he can possibly have time for all of that or if his friends like me or if he’ll understand that I’m friends with the ones who came before him. 

I am alone in a way I have not truly been since 10 years ago today. Perhaps, ever.

But I’m also, not.

I have family and friends and colleagues and people who check on me on Christmas just to stay hello and make sure I’m okay. I am surrounded by love and friendship everywhere I turn. I am overwhelmed by the people I have been blessed with in my life. I have friends who have stood by my side for over half my life and a family who has supported me fully in every adventure I’ve chased. 

I am not alone. 

I spend evenings with my host siblings. I cook feasts with friends. I burst with joy when my nephew recognizes me on facetime. I am impassioned by my students energy. I get phone calls from neighbors welcoming me to church or over for an afternoon. I write 10 page letters back and forth with my best friend. I have movie marathons with my PC bestie. I plan trips with my parents and call home for a dose of politics from my brother. I exchange long emails with some friends and fb messages with others.

But when I am alone. And I think about how loving the men who graced the last ten years of my life got me here. In Botswana. Alone. 

They taught me first how I had to care for myself if I was going to care for others. Then they taught me that to truly achieve love you must work at it. They taught me people deserve second chances, sometimes third chances. They taught me people do not deserve 4th, 5th, 6th, or 7th chances. They taught me you can not rely on the person you’re with to be your everything. They taught me what’s comfortable is not always what’s best. They taught me that sometimes love changes into something that ends up being better: friendship. They taught me not to settle to feel safe. They taught me that I fall for someones passion like some people fall for a pretty face. They taught me that I do not want an ordinary life in an ordinary place. They taught me that self discovery is never ending and the next great adventure. They taught me that once a path in life is calling, I must follow, even if it means I leave love behind. 

And what they taught me, led me here. And now, I’m learning, is where the real lessons are coming in. The lessons about learning to live with myself as well as by myself. About figuring out how to take the love I once poured into one person at a time and spread it out to the dozens of people who deserve more of me. The lessons about patience and trusting that the process will see me through. Figuring out how to let go of one love without another love waiting in the wing. Learning how to be truly happy with being alone. Writing new rules for myself. Raising my standards and erasing self imposed expectations. Figuring out which parts of myself used to shift and change with each new love and exploring what I truly believe. Navigating how to let go of the belief that I am better with someone else. Or how to let go of the fear that I’m missing out on something. Learning to become a person I love alone. Learning to be alone. 

So maybe this is why romantic comedies don’t write beautiful love stories about women in the prime of their twenties. Because the romance is with figuring themselves out. I just wish they would take some of those “finding yourself” films staring men in the wilderness or on the cusp of career changes and make a few for women. Maybe then we wouldn’t be standing here, staring into the abyss of our post-college twenties, single and wondering where the hell to go next. 

December 13th, 2015

Nothing about today feels like December.

The sky is bright blue with fluffy white clouds and a relentless sun that is slowly cooking the air around me towards 100. My students just finished their final exams and went home until their next school year starts. I have to store my chocolate in the fridge to keep it from melting, and the thought of snuggling on the couch in a hoodie and nana blanket makes me sweat. And I'm not sitting between my parents with the christmas lights on, fire lit, watching christmas movie. 

I have, however, been busy. Thanksgiving was just like any other day at work, but that night I was able to Skype home and talk with most of my extended family. That Saturday a few of us got together to watch The (OSU vs UM) Game and to celebrate Thanksgiving. We had an incredible feast and I was delighted to watch the buckeyes dominate once again! O-H! A year in Ann Arbor prepared me for watching the game with all Michigan fans. 

A Buckeye in Wolverine Territory, My Memoir

The week following I had a training in Ghanzi, 12 hours north-west of me. The training was for all of the volunteers who work in schools. We had trainings on Student Friendly Schools, Gender Based Violence in schools, clubs and activities, and teaching skills. It was great to be able to travel, to get together with my friends, and to have our first round of practical skills based training. And we were even able to see some lions and cheetahs! I was surprised to hear that cheetahs meow...

Evan and I, 8 hours into travel

Waiting for Dinner

The Lewis Ladies Reunited

We had the bad luck of a shattered window on the long drive back, leading to an hour delay stranded on the side of the road. Pretty typical for a travel day here. 

A Bird or a Giant Bug? Who Knows.

I was anxious to get home because my Form 5's (12th grade) were in the middle of a two week "Boot Camp" which consisted of a lot of talks and presentations on lifeskills. This is the first year of them, so we conducted several surveys to collect data on how they went and how effective they are so we can better prepare for them next year. There is plenty of room for improvement, but by the end of the two weeks the youth wanted to stay another week, and I was glad to have time to connect with so many of them. The creativity, energy, and power of youth are what I want to harness while I'm here, and every time I work with them one on one or in small groups I am energized by their passions and potential. The best night was a talent show that encouraged team work and participation above all else. They were incredible to watch and I had a smile on my face all night from the judges table. 

The Human Knot

Selfies with my MC's

I was sad to see them go, but in a few short weeks students will be back at school and I'll hopefully be able to hit the ground running with a few projects. The next week or so I'll be working out the details for projects as well as trying to visit more places in my community so I can work on my two year plan.

Some days are slow in that I don't have much planned, but even on the slowest days, my mind is working in overdrive trying to process and consolidate all of the new information its taking in each day. If I'm not concocting a gender and power analysis on societal expectations, or figuring out how upbringing and schooling impacts how I work with students here vs students back home, or reading about how the Paris Agreement will benefit this country which is devastated by the impact global warming far more than it's contribution to it, I'm thinking about how much growth and change I've experienced in the past 6 years, I'm contemplating what major life changes led me to being the person I am today, I'm scrolling through old pictures of family and friends and trying to cement happy memories into my brain, or I'm wrestling with the role love has in my life. Peace Corps is just as much about working on yourself at your very core as it is about working to improve a community in any way you can. Maybe even more so.