When You Try to Remember What Beautiful Feels Like

When I feel self conscious about the shape and size of my body, I eat. Usually, chocolate. But nothing is exempt. Milkshakes, french fries, mozzarella sticks, pizza; the cheesier, saucier, carb-ier the better. This might seem a bit strange. Someone tells me I should stand up straight because “a girl your age shouldn’t have that stomach” and instead of depriving myself of dinner, I eat a chocolate bar after a full plate of pasta. Which is what happened today. 

This might seem a bit strange, until you understand that I have a habit of angstily defying that which upsets me, and a strong background in feminist thinking. I was raised to believe the sky was far from the limit and that I could do anything I wanted. But the types of phrases that rang in my head today were “deni’s home” (about my apparently inherited bad luck of dropping and breaking things in the kitchen), and “stand up straight” which has been repeated to me so many times it makes me roll my eyes and slouch more. 

I danced all my life. When I choose to, I can have impeccable posture. But when I’m lounging around at home, I simply don’t care. And when I start to slouch, my seemingly slim physique shows its hidden treasure of a sizable stomach that looks remarkably like a pregnant woman who is about 20+/- weeks along. I was reminded of this  yesterday, when someone I met this week asked me “are you two or one?” indicating towards my stomach. This is not even close to the first time I’ve been asked this question. 

I have a bit more weight than I’d like on my body, true. But who can blame a girl for indulging for a few months before leaving the country. My main concern is that I know, scientifically, stomach fat is the worst kind for you, since it is so close to your organs. And that I can’t quite do all of the poses in yoga the same way when my gut gets in the way. But I also know that a lifetime of magazine ads, tv shows, and every other media under the sun has taught me what beauty should look like. I got over my arm hair, the way my right eye closes slightly more than my left when I smile, and my square feet with webbed toes at a pretty young age. But ever since puberty I’ve looked down at my body and wished that my chest would be bigger than my stomach. At first, this just meant my boobs had to exist. But now it means my stomach has to shrink. And impulsively I just reached for another bite of chocolate.

I eat because I love food. I love it. Who doesn’t? But I eat like crap when I feel self conscious because I’m afraid if I don’t, I’ll go the other way. Eating disorders aren’t just things I’ve read about in magazines, they’re potentially deadly mental and physical battles I’ve watched some of the most important people in my life battle with for years. I spent most of high school eating an extra portion of my best friends favorites so she wouldn’t feel bad eating a little more and fighting her illness. Eating disorders have the potential to take over your life. I’m furious that the society we live in has created an environment in which these diseases control women (and men) who are brilliant and talented. So when someones made a comment about my weight, I say FUCK YOU YOU EGOTISTICAL VAIN PATRIARCHAL SOCIETY, and eat a bar of chocolate. Or a bacon cheese burger. Ugh a burger sounds so good right now.

It took me until college to figure this all out. And by then, I wasn’t really sure I wanted to change my reaction. It’s a strongly satisfying way of fighting what I can’t control. But what I’ve found to be much more effective, is a week or so after my chocolate binge, I’ll have forgotten about the sting of the comment and instead focus in on how my body feels. And if it doesn’t feel strong and at it’s peak, I’ll readjust some of my eating and exercising habits to work towards feeling strong and powerful. My body gets me through each day and it deserves to be honored. I don’t want to crash diet or sweat till I shred that last few pounds. I want to find a balance in my life that makes me feel powerful and proud of my self, inside and out. 

But even with these ambitious desires and noble ideas of self image, I still look at the scale, and start doing simple math towards what I want the number to be the next time I’m at the Dr’s. I am in no way immune to the insane pressures women are putting on themselves to look a certain way. But I’m trying. 

Trying has become a lot more difficult. Enter, my new life. And the number of times my weight has been the topic of conversation with people who I have known mere days. Not just my weight. The ways my weight is too much. The way I’ve gained weight (I haven’t) or the way my outfit today makes me look much fatter than yesterday. Or the way I must be pregnant. Or the way I’m too young to have a belly like that. There are only so many days you can shrug it off. I think I’m pretty good at laughing off comments like this, but there are only so many comments one can make before I find myself wishing I was curled up in bed with a carton of ice cream and the latest episode of Grey’s. I’ve been told that people make these comments because of everything from— it means you’re happy, you’re wealthy, they’re jealous, to— it’s just an observation. Who knows anyones true intentions, but I decided to believe that everyones intentions are good, and an observation such as this is simply not meant as offensive. 

Talking about weight isn’t just something that happens here. It is constant in America as well. But here, at least, it’s out in the open. I haven’t experienced any hidden comments, side comments, or off the cuff comments that make you feel like maybe you were just kind of insulted but you aren’t really sure and now you just feel like apparently you can never wear this dress in public again. That’s why I wanted to write about this. Because every woman I know experiences this. And we sure waste a hell of a lot of time worrying about our weight that we could be spending doing…anything else. Like changing the world. 

Hopefully while I start my best attempt at that, I’ll forget about my occasional double chin and the scars on my neck, and instead focus on the way my breath can fill my entire body with a deep calm, or how my face and neck stretch to the sky as the start of every dance solo I compose in my empty bedroom, or the way my arms can capture my beautiful niece and nephew between them, so that I can tell them that their love and brilliance shine brighter than the stars, in the hopes that I can counteract even a moment of self-doubt they may have about their own images. And then I’ll take them to ice cream.

October 25th, 2015

My First Week at my New Home!

It's been a whirlwind. To get through 11 weeks of training and then to suddenly live on my own in my community. I took it slow this week, to say the least. My brain needed a lot of downtime to recover. I read the rest of the Harry Potter books and did a lot of observation at school. Some days it feels like a success simply to have one good conversation with another member of staff. Building relationships is so crucial to success. I go to the dining hall at lunch each day and help with the teachers on duties. This helps me because I can use the time to meet new teachers and talk to them and it's also great because I get to eat lunch for free! If I cut out 5 meals a week by eating at school, I can start to afford things that are normally way out of PCV budget, like good cheese or olives. 

Food is very interesting for me here. I'm gluten free, which surprisingly isn't difficult. But does increase my expenses a bit. To go shopping for groceries I have to ride the bus nearly an hour to the capital, which means I have to take my big backpack to carry it all home in, and I have to hope that my food will make it without spoiling. I'm still amazed I've managed to get my eggs here without them all cracking! 

There is also much less variety in food choices here, and most produce is simply whatever is in season. I'm very lucky that my shopping village is the capital because it means I have a much greater variety than most volunteers. And I can get special treats. Like this week when I went shopping I walked into the mall and right away bought a frozen yogurt. It was wonderful. There are also several stores in in the capital with gluten free options so I should always be able to find what I need. I'm enjoying cooking for myself again and trying new experiments.  For instance, I'm currently waiting for my attempt at tomato sauce to finish simmering. I failed pretty miserably at making a sauce, but from what I can tell it's still going to taste good! 

I've also discovered that I have wifi at my house. This is a huge deal. It means I'm not going to buy internet anymore since in theory I will have it both at school and at home! I seriously am the most spoiled volunteer. Besides the people with a shower. They are living the dream. 

I've been enjoying the company of my landlords this week and starting to meet my neighbors. I also created an extensive to do list so that I can start to get organized for the next three months. All in all, it was a successful first week in my new place. I even received another package and letters from home! Thank you all for the continued support! It helps immensely. 

Best,

Bethany

October 18th, 2015

Moving in!

The week seemed to drag by. Each day I got a bit more packed and spent time with the other trainees and my host family. We wrapped up our last few sessions and started collecting our endless supply of things PC had promised us before departing. On 

Monday we had the great pleasure of going to Gabs! We were allowed to shop for our houses and enjoy the day eating as much as we could. We found a cute cafe that clearly served expats and even a Mexican restaurant! It was so nice to do a bit of retail therapy and treat ourselves for a long 11 weeks of training. 

Wednesday was magical. We all arrived in our traditional outfits, ready to be sworn in! During swear in there was both national anthems, speeches from important people, the oath was given to us by the US Ambassador of Botswana, and a PC pledge was administered by our Country Director. The last line of the pledge is "I am a Peace Corps Volunteer." And it was with great pride and a chill running down my spine that I said these words. I couldn't believe we had finally done it. Everyone tells you to push through training as best you can so you can get to the reward which is service. And here we were, no longer trainees, but volunteers. 

There was an impromptu photo shoot both before and after the ceremony and  I was glad to snag as many pictures as I could of friends before we departed to our sites. I was even lucky enough to get one with my host mom. 

Soon Joiwyn and I were off for a day of last minute errands, ending with a trip to the lodge for a poolside celebration with all of the volunteers. As I walked home I bought my final treat for myself : an almond magnum ice cream bar, my favorite treat from Oz. What a great way to end an eventful three months. 

Thursday was MOVING DAY! I had no idea how I was getting to site or if it was going to work at all, but somehow crammed six of us into a large van with all of our things. It looked something like this: 

I made it to my village mid afternoon and immediately started cleaning and unpacking, which I continued to do for most of the weekend (interrupted by reading breaks of course). I live on a beautiful family compound, with a gorgeous dog, and two boys just shy of graduating high school. My house is well shaded by fruit trees and well protected by a high wall. It's also thoroughly furnished, and I'm just about finished decorated. 

There is a kitchen, sitting room, two bedrooms, and a bathroom. I'm very lucky to be living in such a luxurious place, both by peace corps standards, and as my first place on my own! 

It has been a rough road to get where I am now. And I'm still a bit shocked that I am a volunteer. I think in a few days it'll really sink in that I am now living here alone with endless amounts of freedom to do the work I'm passionate about. It's a bit overwhelming to see three months stretched before me like a blank canvas, not truly able to start projects, but with so much to do. Any advice from RPCVs about how they managed their community assessment period is greatly appreciated. For now, I have the beautiful Hills to look at, and a school of smiling students to see each morning. 

Best,

Bethany

October 11th, 2015

Stepping off the bus in Gaborone (the Capitol) Monday morning put me instantly at ease. The tension my body had been holding released and my stress decreased. I sighed with happiness as I took in the booths lining the streets and the people bustling about. There's something about a city that soothes me. I was lucky enough to go in for the day to set up my bank account and get lunch. Lunch consisted of a magnificent chocolate milkshake and all the sushi I could handle. It was a little slice of heaven. 

The week was more or less just hot. It's averaging high 90's every day and the sun is relentless. As we wind down training I'm struggling to fall asleep each night and desperately missing the cold. Wish me luck. It's only spring, after all! 

At training we had a couple last presentations, early off days, and sessions with our country director. Including a policy session in which we had a pop quiz on very detailed policies and I came in first place with 90%... Reading the entire manual the weekend before clearly paid off in the form of a bag of Hershey's candy! We also had our final language exams, which went more or less okay. As long as I do as well as I did last time I'll be all set to swear in. Friday between language exams and round table interviews with our CD, I cut ten different peoples hair. This all started a few weeks ago when I volunteered to cut one persons hair since I had scissors, and slowly more and more people have been asking me for a trim. Since we swear in next week and don't see each other until January, everyone wants one last cut before they let it grow for awhile. It's been a lot of fun, and I haven't messed up yet! Except when I tried to use the buzzers. So we're sticking to scissors for now. One of my other friends is on clippers duty so it works out perfectly. 

I took my last weekend in Moleps to relax at my host family's house. I certainly needed it. I've been around so many people lately that I've needed to spend time alone relaxing and being productive. I've started organizing and packing some of my things since I'll be moving next Thursday. I also was lucky enough to receive three letters this week!! So I've been trying to get together another stack of letters to mail out. I'm enjoying being around my host family for some quality time before I move. They've done so much for me and I'm so grateful for them. Not to mention, all my time at home meant I could read Harry Potter! No matter what is going on in my life, Harry Potter is always the perfect solution to help me destress and revitalize my energy for whatever task is set in front of me. As long as I'm not saying "just one more chapter!" 

I'm ready to move into my new place. This will be my first time living completely on my own and my first time living in one place for this long since I moved out of my parents house. I'm excited to build my new home to make it mine and to really begin to dig in to my work here. It helps that I have so much support both here and back home. The journey is only just beginning. 

October 4th, 2015

Two months in country!

This week we are back in training. Most of the country is on holiday for Botswana Independence Day so we had a fairly relaxed week which included a cultural festival in the  30th at the kgotla to celebrate 49 years of independence.

I'm friend Evan and I cut my friend Joiwyn hair  after! My second hair cut so far. I need about more practice but it's been fun so far.

Thursday there was a group of current volunteers who came to present to us on committees and initiatives we can get involved in once we've sworn in. It gave me great ideas for my service and how I can be active in the volunteer community. 

It was a good thing we had a relaxed week because I was sick for most of it. Being sick when you're in another continent from most of your support system is not exactly fun, but being sick in pc is pretty common and many of us were this week. I stayed home Friday because of it and received many texts and inquiries of concern by Saturday, which helped a lot. The upside of being up all night sick was being able to talk to my friends from home when they were actually free to have a conversation. I'm  still struggling a little but I think I'll be totally back to normal in another day or two.

Saturday was our host family party! We held an event to thank them for taking us into their homes as members of the family and teaching us all about living as a motswana. It was also a culture exchange as we made chili, played American games like limbo and sack races, and certainly taught a ton of American  line dances (my favorite part of course). It was a successful event! My host sister and brother came to celebrate. 

Sunday is of course for more Mumba, fun with friends, and reading. I'm enjoying it while I can because soon life is going to look very different once I swear in and move to my new home. It's going to be a wild ride!